Torn
by Shahar Mystral
Summary: Sakura and Syaoran have finally realised their love for one another. But when Sakura remembers wanting to confess her love to someone she can't recall, she realises that she is in love with 2 people. The only problem is she can't decide who she loves more
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This story is meant to be a sequel to my story Valentine's Magic but this has the potential to stand alone – perhaps

**Author's Note:** This story is meant to be a sequel to my story Valentine's Magic but this has the potential to stand alone – perhaps. If you're curious as to what happened before check it out. And that's all for now. Enjoy.

**Torn**

**Chapter One**

Syaoran pulled the covers of the bedspread down with one hand before gently laying Sakura down on the bed. He paused to pull off her shoes and then pulled the blanket over her. He looked down at the beautiful young woman he had fallen in love with and smiled to himself as he recalled the day they had spent together and the mental obstacles that had been overcome.

He had finally addressed her as Sakura and she had called him Syaoran just like she used to when they had been in the county of Clow. He had felt connected to her in a way that he had never experienced before. He had never felt as strongly as he had this evening and for the first time since they had left the time-space witch's shop he had felt hope.

It had been that hope that had given him the courage him to finally give into his heart's desire and kiss her. It was everything that he could have wished for in a first kiss and he couldn't stop himself from wanting to kiss her soft lips again.

'_Tomorrow.' _He thought to himself as he tried to encourage himself to leave. '_I'll kiss her tomorrow.' _ Turning slightly he caught sight of the rose he had bought her in a vase on the window sill – clearly Fai had already been in the room making sure that the room was ready for her. Syaoran took half a step away from the bed; sure that everything was settled and paused again just to stare at her in the moonlight that filtered into the room through a gap in the curtains.

He watched her frown slightly in her sleep, and he wondered what new memory she had received from the feather they had retrieved that evening. Obviously it wasn't something pleasant. Part of him grew upset at the fact that Sakura would have to remember painful aspects of her past. He wished he could make sure that she was never hurt again. He had seen the occasional flicker of pain in her during in the journey and he wished he could find some way to make the journey less painful for her.

He frowned and debated with himself for a few moments as to whether he should wake her up and stop her from remembering something sad or leave her be. But before he had decided what to do, her frown disappeared and a small smile tugged at the corners of her checks.

Syaoran breathed a silent sigh of relief, pleased that her memory held something good after all.

He stood there for a few more moments, content in watching her breathe and dream. Then, knowing that Kurogane and Fai were waiting for him downstairs, he leaned down and brushed a kiss over her lips.

Sakura sighed happily and rolled over as he pulled away. He brushed a strand of hair off her cheek and walked to the door. Slipping out quietly, he whispered, "Good night Sakura."

_Sakura snuck quietly into the castle, praying that her brother would not hear her. She knew how much he hated it when she spent time with ––––._

"_Sakura you've been spotted!"_

_Sakura swung around guiltily, just catching herself from falling on her face. She hated the fact that he always caught her when she was trying to avoid him. "I… I'm home King Touya!"_

_Sakura giggled nervously under Touya's stern gaze. "Have you been with that hole-digging twerp again?" _

_Sakura's eyes flashed angrily as her face turned red with anger, "He's not a twerp, and his name is ––––!" _

_Touya looked away, rubbing an injured eardrum and tsking as he did so. "For a brat like him, 'twerp' suits him just fine!"_

"_He's not a brat either!" Sakura yelled, her fists clenched. " –––– 's living on his own, and doing good work! You should _respect _him!_

"_I will not respect him!" Touya yelled right back at her. "A brat's a brat!"_

"_HE IS NOT!" Sakura screamed. She was going to have to kill her brother if he carried on like this. _

_Sakura leaned against the barrier on her balcony looking out over the desert and the Clow ruins. Suddenly an idea sprang into her head, followed immediately by a blush. _

"_I've got an idea!" She muttered softly, "I'll bring him lunch tomorrow! And at lunch-time we can at least spend a little time together." Her blush deepened "That's when I'll tell him. That I…" She leaned her hand on her chin, "that I love him."_

Sakura sat up suddenly, almost lurching out of the bed in the process. Steadying herself slightly, she pulled her legs up and leaned her head on her knees as she recalled her latest memory of her life in Clow.

The images and emotions from the memory were fresh in her mind and their implications… earth shattering.

She was in love with two people.

One from her past and one from her present.

And she couldn't tell who she loved more.

Sakura tightened her grip on her knees as she tried to hold herself together. She closed her eyes and considered the fact that up until she received this memory, she had thought that she had been in love with Syaoran. Until now, she had never ever considered the possibility that there could be someone else in Clow that held her affections.

And now… she was in love with a faceless person, whose name she could remember as well as the person who was giving his all to protect her and return her memories to her.

Sakura sighed and closed her eyes tightly, her mind a whirl. _Is it right for Syaoran to loose out to memory, considering the fact that I'm not sure who this other person is? At the same time is it right for me to love Syaoran when I'm in love with someone else? _Her brow furrowed in confusion as she considered the next dilemma that the memory presented._ Is it even be possible for me to choose now, when I'm still missing a l my memories of the faceless person?_

Sakura turned her head and rested her cheek on her knees and stared at the red rose that stood silhouetted by the moon that hung just visible through the window across the room. As her worried green eyes touched the red rose she smiled briefly as she remembered the day before where she and Syaoran had celebrated Valentine's Day. Her heart warmed slightly as she recalled the wonderful floating feeling she had felt when she had been in Syaoran's arms, gliding around the dance floor. Her mind recalled their kisses, the promise that Syaoran had made before he had the memory to her and the joyous fact that he had said her name.

Sakura.

Not Princess. Just Sakura.

She smiled and curled her toes at the memory of how he had said her name.

But her smile slid from her fact once more as her memory made it resurfaced from the backs of her mind. Unwanted and guilt ridden. Her joy became tainted by guilt and her stomach tightened into a knot.

Sakura leaned back and buried her head into the pillow trying to focus her thoughts and force herself to remember just who the other person was, but the more she tried, the more elusive it became. It danced just out of her reach, taunting her with other empty memories filled with holes.

Tears welled up in Sakura's eyes as she ineffectuality fought for some clue of what happened in her past. These memories filled with holes were driving her mad. She felt as though she was missing something very important. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't remember enough to fill the blanks.

With a tear still lingering on her eyelashes, she eventually drifted away into an uneasy unconsciousness, the hole still empty.

The dilemma still unsolved.

Her heart still torn.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

Syaoran glanced at the door to the dining room for what must have been the hundredth time that morning and sighed anxiously.

"You know that they say that a watched pot never boils?" Kurogane said gruffly from his place at the table. "Kid, if you just wait patiently she will be down in a little while. Girls do take a while to get dressed, you know?"

Syaoran blushed and hurriedly sat down at the table just as Fai walked in with the breakfast. "How did you know that I was waiting for Sakura?" he asked faintly.

Kurogane's snicker was interrupted as he pushed away Fai's offering of a chocolate croissant. "I don't eat sweets for breakfast!" he growled at the beaming magician.

Fai grinned and waved the offending food in front of Kurogane, before placing it on Syaoran's plate with a chuckle. "At least some people appreciate my hard work."

Kurogane grunted and turned his attention back to Syaoran, "It's obvious that you were waiting for the princess, since, for one you came home looking incredibly happy last night so I guess that the Valentine date thing went well, and two, if you were waiting for Fai or the manju bun, you would have been looking at the kitchen door on that side of the room." He gestured towards the kitchen with a knife, and then deftly speared a piece of bread of the bread board.

"What's this?" Fai asked clutching his hand over his heart dramatically. "My son no longer cares about me! Daddy, what am I going to do? Soon the children will be leaving the nest and I'll only have Mokona left."

Kurogane chose to simply ignore Fai, while Syaoran begun stuttering that he was grateful that Fai was looking after him and that he did care about him. "It's just that… you know…" Syaoran trailed off as Fai began laughing at him.

"I'm just joking with you, Syaoran." Fai said grinning, "Don't worry, I was hoping that Daddy here, would react, not you."

"Oh," Syaoran looked down at his plate. "I thought you were being serious."

"Well, I wasn't but," he paused to take a bite of his breakfast, "I am now." The magician was no longer smiling and was now looking at Syaoran over intertwined fingers.

Nervous, although he wasn't sure what he had done, Syaoran shifted in his seat. His eyes darted to Kurogane, hoping that he might gleam some clue from the brooding ninja. His glance was returned with a blank stare. "What is it?" He asked nervously, feeling the weight of their looks. "What?" he asked as the silence lingered on.

"What did you and Sakura get up to yesterday?" Fai asked gleefully, picking up his knife and fork. "Did you have fun?"

Syaoran slumped in relief as the tension eased and Mokona started giggling from next to the coffee pot. "That was very dramatic, Fai. Almost as good as Mokona's Secret Dramatic Tension Technique #56."

"Thank you Mokona." Fai said grinning proudly. "Although I could never be as good as you." He turned to Syaoran, "Well? What happened?"

"Well," Syaoran began, as he fiddled with his napkin. "We walked around for a bit." Fai nodded impatiently, "I bought her that rose that I handed to you when I came in last night, we had dinner and then we went dancing. Then we got the feather back and she passed out so we came back home."

"And you kissed her, didn't you?" Fai asked, slyly. "Oh you did!" He exclaimed as Syaoran turned blood red.

"About bloody time." Muttered Kurogane from his silent place at the table.

"What!" Exclaimed Syaoran, startled by Kurogane's statement.

The princess is coming down," Kurogane muttered as he turned to look at the door, leading to the bedrooms. "I can hear her footsteps."

"You do?" Syaoran said blankly. He was sure that wasn't what Kurogane was referring to. Especially when Fai nudged Kurogane and rolled his eyes at him. Kurogane simply grunted and took a bite of his meal as if he had said nothing strange.

However, Syaoran was put off trying to figure out the enigmatic ninja out, as Sakura entered the room.

"Good morning Sakura," Syaoran said smiling and standing up. His greeting was echoed by the others.

"Good morning everyone." Sakura said, with a faint smile that did not quite reach her eyes.

Puzzled by her false happiness, Syaoran walked over to her and smiled down at her. "Did you sleep well?"

Sakura's eyes darted down, avoiding his gaze. "Not really." She said softly as she sat down at the table, her fingers twisting together.

Syaoran returned to his seat slowly, pondering her sudden withdrawal from him and her lack of enthusiasm that she usually had. '_Or was the memory in her feather, that unpleasant?'_ He wondered. '_Is she embarrassed because of what happened between us yesterday?_

"What's wrong, princess?" Fai asked as he placed her breakfast on the table in front of her. His hand brushed against her forehead, checking for a fever. But since he did nothing more, Syaoran assumed that she wasn't ill.

"I got a memory back last night and it's a little… well, it was… " Sakura said, as she picked up her knife and fork, still searching for words. "It was a little unpleasant. I remembered my brother and I fighting about something or someone and..." Her eyes darted to Syaoran's face and she looked away. "And I'm just a little confused. I just don't know how to explain…" She trailed off forlornly and stared blankly at her motionless hands, which were clutching the cutlery tightly.

Syaoran felt a stab of pain as she avoided his gaze, but not before he realised that her green eyes were dark with confusion and… pain? Instantly he wished that he had woken her up the night before just to allow her to escape what was tormenting her.

"You don't have to tell us, if you don't want to." Fai said soothingly, trying to ease her distress. "I mean, you can if you want, but you don't have to force yourself. We are here for you if you need us."

Kurogane and Syaoran both nodded, in total agreement with Fai. Mokona floated over to the princess and hugged her hand. "We are all her for you Sakura." He said, the worry clear in his eyes.

"Thank you, Fai-san." Sakura said faintly. "Thank you, Kurogane-san. Thank you, Mokona." She directed a smile and a bow of her head to each person as she thanked them. "Thank you Syaoran-ku…"

Syaoran tried to hide his distress which he knew had flashed on his face. For one short moment, he thought that everything had returned to how it was before, when she thought of him as just a travelling partner and that the previous day's event had meant nothing to her.

She flushed, her eyes darkened with resolve and corrected herself. "Thank you Syaoran."

He almost sighed with relief when she corrected herself. '_Just a slip of the tongue. Just like I was in the beginning._ He thought fondly as he recalled his life in Clow when Sakura had all but demanded that he address her by her given name.

Syaoran watched Sakura gather a hold of herself, watched her hide her pain and worries behind a smile and tucked into the meal as though the unpleasant memory had never happened. She chided Mokona for trying to eat off Kurogane's plate; she tried to persuade Kurogane into eating some of the croissant, and beamed when he grudgingly ate some.

_Clearly he is as weak to her charm as me.' _Syaoran thought smiling faintly.

She also asked Fai and Kurogane about their celebration of Valentine's Day. Fai was very happy to inform them all about his, Mokona and Daddy's day. In no time at all, Fai's story and Kurogane's reactions had everyone smiling happily and laughing, just like normal.

And Syaoran. He chided himself for worrying too much about something he had no control over. There was nothing, he knew, that could change any of Sakura's memories. Be it the one's she had received or the one's she would not.

Eventually, it was Kurogane who broke up the morning meal and he looked regretful for having to do.

"As much as I'd like to keep stuffing my face and listening to this fool's stories, the kid and I have some training to do. I want to test him on unfamiliar terrain and the beach we found yesterday is the perfect place for that. After that we'll come back up to the house and we can all head out to see if we can find any clues on possible locations of the princess's feather, since the manju says that he can still feel the presence of a feather."

"Yip! That's right!" Mokona squealed from his place next to Sakura. "We were very lucky to come to a world with two of Sakura's feathers. All we have to do is find the last one and Mokona thinks it is nearby."

"Can you tell where it is?" Syaoran asked, eager to find another piece of Sakura's soul, which hopefully would be as easy to retrieve as the last.

Mokona's ears drooped. "Sorry Syaoran. The power is partly obscured. Mokona knows it is out the somewhere, but I can't find its exact location."

"Well, we will just have to keep an eye and ear out for it then, now won't we?"

Fai said. "And I know the perfect place. Kurogane and I found this really interesting market yesterday. It's fascinating. They sell everything there and when I say everything I mean **everything**. They have the usual things like food and clothing, but they also sell magical wares. Apparently if you speak to the right people you can even buy information. And with a little luck we might be able to buy some information about the princess's feathers." Fai stood up and began clearing the breakfast table. "So while Kurogane and Syaoran are training, Sakura, Mokona and I shall head out to the market for supplies and information."

Kurogane nodded in agreement as he passed his plate to Sakura who was holding out her hand to collect it. Taking the plate from him and receiving a muttered, yet heartfelt thanks from the ninja, Sakura smiled faintly as she headed to the kitchen.

Syaoran had to bite his tongue to keep from asking if he could go with Fai to the market, especially when he knew that he had training to do. However Kurogane took pity on the boy and muttered gruffly, "If you do well on the new terrain we can always finish up early and head out to the market a little later."

"Thank you Kurogane-san." Syaoran said bowing slightly from where he sat.

"Well, I suppose you want to start as soon as possible then." Kurogane said standing up and picking up his sword. "Go get your sword and we can head out."

Syaoran scrambled to his feet and headed to the door to the passage which led to his room. He grabbed his sword as he recalled his promise he had made to himself - that he would get Sakura's memories back for her and that he would protect her.

His mind immediately darted to the fact that Sakura was upset and he decided to check if she was okay before he started training. Clearly the memory that she had received the night before had upset her. _'Perhaps as an 'outsider', _he grimaced, '_I might be able to help her in some way and explain the problem.' _ Besides he knew that he would be distracted the whole time he was training which would irritate Kurogane.

And besides he had another promise to keep. Syaoran's face turned red as he recalled his brazen promise he had made to Sakura when he had returned her feather to her the night before. If possible he was going to collect on his kiss.

It was with these thoughts that he returned to the dining room and told Kurogane that he would catch up with him after he had spoken to Sakura about something.

The ninja smiled knowingly and with a smirk reminded Syaoran not to take **too **long.

Syaoran walked to the kitchen where Fai, Sakura and Mokona were busy cleaning up. He hesitated at the entrance to the kitchen and smiled as he watched them. His smile slipped from his face as he watched Sakura move around the kitchen with a little less enthusiasm than usual. To someone who had watched Sakura as much as he had, it was clear that she was upset and hurting about something. "Sakura, can I please speak to you?"

**Author's note:**Cliffy yes I know – but I felt that the chapter was getting too long so I decided to stop there. And 'cause I decided to be evil. :D

I really struggled with Sakura in this chapter – if anyone has any suggestions for where I can fix her or anyone else for that matter it will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you to all you awesome people who reviewed. It made me smile and try and find some time to get this chapter out.

I've also decided that if I don't get at least six reviews for this chapter – it's not worth continuing this fic if no one likes it.

So please read and review and let me know if I should continue with it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: ** Thank you to all the wonderful reviewers that sent encouraged me to keep writing this fic. I apologise for taking so long but between end of term essays and exams (my wretched drama exam was 8 hours long), I finally managed to find some time to work on this chapter.

**Chapter Three**

"Sakura, can I please speak to you?"

Sakura looked up as she placed the last of the breakfast dishes on the counter, her eyes taking in the worried look in Syaoran's eyes, the tense way he held himself as he stood waiting for her.

_Waiting for me to hurt him_, she thought as the knot in her stomach tightened. She knew that as long as her heart was torn between two people she just couldn't love him as he deserved. The doubts would always linger. She knew that she had to tell him the truth now, when their relationship was still new and not later when the pain would be more than either of them could endure.

She glanced at Fai, silently asking if she could go. Fai nodded. "Go on, Mokona and I will be fine by ourselves. We can handle the dishes."

Sakura nodded gratefully to Fai before walking over to Syaoran, who took her hand and lead her out of the house to the front garden. When they were under the over-hanging branches of a weeping willow, Syaoran turned and drew her into his arms.

"What's wrong, Sakura?" He asked gently, the worry clear in his voice. And that was all it took for her thin thread of control to snap.

She felt him stiffen slightly as she buried her face into her chest and gave into the heartache and tears that she had been fighting off all morning. "Oh Syaoran." She murmured as he placed a hand on her back and rubbed it in a soothing motion. "I'm so confused."

He simply held her as she wept brokenly against his shoulder and cursed herself for what she was going to do to him.

After a while, when there were no more tears to cry, she pulled back from him. However, when she tried to break all contact he held onto her hand refusing to let it go, even when she tugged for its release. After a moment of fruitless tugging, she gave up and allowed herself the guilty pleasure of holding hands with him, for what could be possibly the last time.

"Tell me what's wrong Sakura. What happened?" Syaoran asked as she wiped away her tears with her free hand.

"Last night when I was asleep," she began, "I got one of my memories back. It started out like my usual ones that I have of Clow - I was arguing with my brother about something. There was someone at Clow that I respected and my brother was unhappy with me because I had gone to visit this person." She trailed off into silence, contemplating how she would explain the next part of her dream.

Syaoran took her silence as confusion and asked the first thing that came to mind, in an attempt to help her focus her thoughts. "Do you know who that person was or where they lived?"

Sakura shook her head. "I don't remember. I wish I did. I hate not remembering everything. I want my memories back." She sobbed as she squeezed Syaoran's hand in frustration.

"I'm sorry." Syaoran said regretfully.

"Don't be silly. It's not your fault." Sakura said, squeezing his hand lightly. "You're the one whose getting my memories back for me. You have nothing to apologise for. If it wasn't for you doing your best, I'd be empty."

Syaoran barely managed to hide his wince at her words. As far as he was concerned, it was his fault that he had lost her memories. If he had only been a few seconds faster none of this would ever have happened.

"Is that what has you upset Sakura?" he asked nervously. "That you don't have all your memories back?"

Sakura nodded. "Partly."

"Partly?"

"Well," Sakura began, "that part with my brother wasn't the only part of my memory. I also got a memory of me… saying… that I – that I -" Sakura faltered as she tried to get out the words.

"What did you say?" Syaoran asked, getting worried as she fell into silence once again. "Sakura, just tell me what you want to say so I can help you."

When she continued to say nothing, Syaoran reached out and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. "Tell me what to do. Please."

Keeping her head bowed so that her hair covered her eyes Sakura whispered, "I need you to give me space." Gently, Sakura lifted his hands off her shoulders and held his hands in hers.

Syaoran froze as Sakura's next words came out in a rush. "I remembered saying as I stood on my balcony back at Clow, that I loved someone and that I want to tell them my feelings. I don't know who this person is, if they love me back or even if I still love him. I'm sorry but I can't say 'I love you' when there could be someone else I love at home. It's not fair on you or him…"

"…I can't love you until I know." Sakura whispered, finally meeting his stunned gaze.

Syaoran felt as though his heart was shattering. He had always loved her from afar back at Clow. Despite the price that he had paid to the witch to save Sakura, a part of him had always hoped that they could create a new relationship anyway. He had felt hope for the first time in ages, that he could finally reveal his hearts true feelings.

He felt like a fool for believing that he could ever be truly happy ever again.

But things just kept getting worse. He felt as though the gods were cursing him. It was clear that there was someone else in Clow that held Sakura's affection. _Probably a noble that she never told me about._ His teeth clenched at the thought – why hadn't she ever told him about another love interest? Wasn't he her friend? He cursed himself for ever thinking that he was as important in her life as she was in his. _She is a princess. She doesn't have to tell a _peasant_, like me, anything._

"I'm sorry Syaoran." Sakura whispered as she saw the pain flash across his eyes. If a person's eyes were the windows to their souls, then she knew that what she had just told him had cut him to the depths of his soul – far deeper then she ever could have imagined possible.

She turned away, pulling her hands from his loose grip, unable to stand the pain anymore. Even as she walked away and the tears welled up again, she couldn't help but feel that she had left her heart behind.

**A****uthor's Note:** In order to make up for the short chapter I asked an awesome friend of mine to draw me a picture of the scenes that occured in this chapter. The link to the pages are as follows

http: // shaharmystral. deviantart. com /art /Torn- Page- 1- 104478173 and http: // shaharmystral. deviantart. com /art /Torn- Page- Two - 104479168

Just remove the spaces between the links and click go.


	4. Chapter 4

First things first. I'd like to send out a huge thank you to every single person who has reviewed Torn thus far. The same goes to everyone who made it a favourite or placed an alert on it. You all inspired me to keep writing, which leads me to the next thing on my to-do list.

I'd like to apologise for taking practically forever to update. Unfortunately, having on average of two jobs at any given time and university essays to write, I find it hard to get the chapters out as often as I'd like, 'cause I just don't have pc time. And when I do have computer time, I'm usually indulging in Bleach or D. Gray-man.

Without further adieu, I present to you Chapter Four!

P.S. Please review.

**Chapter Four**

It took a moment for Syaoran to remember how to breathe as he watched Sakura walk away from him. As he sucked in a breath of air he felt a fresh wave of wave of anguish wash over him, burning its way through him, leaving a molten wave of agony in its wake. Clenching his hands into fists, he locked his knees in a desperate attempt to avoiding falling as the earth swayed out from under him, as the reason for his existence disappeared from his sight, leaving his heart barren and cold.

Numbly he recalled her earth-shattering words "I'm sorry but I can't say 'I love you' when there could be someone else I love. I can't love until I know."

Never before had he felt such despair, especially since it seemed clear that he would always be denied the love he so desperately craved from Sakura. Even though he knew that she had just been trying to be kind, he couldn't stifle the anger that he felt growing in his heart.

He had given his all for her, laid his life and love on the line countless times and now, not only was her love denied to him but so was her presence. All because of some nameless person from one of her memories.

Syaoran gritted his teeth painfully at the thought of Sakura being in love with someone else. Suddenly finding out that he had a rival to her heart had not been pleasant, especially since he had no idea who it was. It hurt even more that her love was denied to him because of a phantom. He had never believed he was a jealous person, but he knew now as he felt the blood rush to his face, that that was not the case. He had always thought that if Sakura fell in love with someone else – possibly someone of nobility - then he would be able to accept it as inevitable and do so magnanimously.

Right now – he wanted to punch the person with all his might.

_I hate him! _He thought savagely. As his hatred grew, so too did his anger as he realised that he was saving Sakura for someone else. His irrationally grew as he scorned the weakness of his rival – _He isn't deserving of her love. How can she love him when he can't be bothered to try and save her? The person who is risking his all for Sakura is me, not him. _Eventually his anger got the best of him and he lashed out at the willow with a vicious kick. The subsequent pain in his foot, made him realise just how irrationally he was behaving and he took a deep soothing breathe.

_But what can I do?_ _I can't fight someone who isn't here. Besides this other person hadn't had the chance to come with. There simply hadn't been any time. _

Syaoran stood under the tree for a while longer, his eyes staring blankly at the swaying willow branches as he came to an inevitable conclusion. _As much as I want to, I can't change Sakura's decision. She has every right to fall in love with anyone she wants to. As her subject I have to obey her on this and as a friend, I have to respect her wishes._

Syaoran ran his hand over his face, brushing away tears of pain and frustration that he had not realised that he had shed. He stared at his damp hand for a moment before picking up his sword and heading off to meet Kurogane for training – desperately hoping that the training would numb the pain that was burning in his heart.

However his will to be accepting was not strong enough to fight the bitterness which gnawed as his heart. As he ran, each step he took pounded the agony of her rejection and his loss further into his soul.

The pain of knowing that Sakura was in love with someone else was the greatest, followed by the betrayal that he felt. He used to believe that he and Sakura had been close friends back in Clow, but now he doubted this, especially since she hadn't told him about this other person. Someone who was clearly important to her? _Didn't she trust me?_ He thought pained.

Passers-by flinched as his face darkened displaying an unnatural amount of pain and betrayal. However, the frightening countenance disappeared when a memory flicked to life and he realised that Sakura may have wanted to tell him about this other person. He distinctly remembered Sakura saying on the day before her memories were scattered across worlds, that she had something to tell him. It was entirely possible that, while he had been away on the excavation of the Clow ruins, she had met someone else. She could have been trying to find the right moment to tell him that she had fallen in love.

Perhaps she had not meant to betray him. Maybe they could still be friends but in his hearts of hearts, he knew it was a poor substitute. He honestly doubted if she would ever see him as anything other than a friend. As he ran he realised that he had never stood a chance. Not only had there been class barriers between them and her brother's disapproval of their relationship but now what stood between them was the harsh reality that she would never remember the bonds they shared. Not when she remembered a more significant other. Granted, he had made the sacrifice of her memories of him in order to save her, but now it seemed that their broken bonds were never meant to be healed.

Syaoran barely managed to avoid careening into a small gang of men as he rounded the last corner to the beach. He had been so caught up in powerlessness that he almost didn't see the six figures standing at the corner. It was only due to the quick reflexes that Kurogane's training had produced that he managed to catch the white box he had knocked out of one of the men's hands. Hastily apologising and returning the box, Syaoran muttered an "Excuse me," before continuing to the beach in the same hurried manner as before.

Consequently he missed the excited looks on the men's faces and the speculative glances that followed him as he sped away from them.

A lone figure awaited him as he reached the beach. Syaoran paused at the steps leading onto the beach, in an attempt to regain his breath and to mask his true emotions from the most observant member of their group. He knew though that he would be unable to truly hide all his emotions, so keeping that in mind he made his way to Kurogane with his eyes down and head bowed.

"Sorry I'm late." He apologised, not meeting Kurogane's eyes.

The ninja frowned slightly at the boys cowering form. "Don't worry about it." Kurogane said, trying to reassure the kid that he was not upset with him. "We'll still be able to meet the mage and the princess at the market. You weren't that late."

After a moment of silence, Syaoran raised his head and meet Kurogane's eyes. Kurogane's gut twisted at the agony that burned in his eyes. This anguish, coupled with the blazing anger and resentment which burnt in the boy's eyes, were enough to shake Kurogane to the core. _No person should be trying to deal with all that emotion sober._ He thought.

Kurogane watched Syaoran's eyes harden as he spoke. "Actually I'd rather use that time to train. I don't think shopping will be in our best interests now." His voice hardened as determination flashed across his face. "I promised that I would get Sakura's feathers back and I should make use of all the time I can get to make sure that she can get back to her…" He stumbled over the words, "… get her back to the people that love her."

Placing his hand on the damp spot on his shoulder, where she had wept on him, Syaoran said, "I promised to get them back for her, regardless of what I have to suffer to make her happy." _'And I won't have her cry over me again.'_

Placing his hand on the kid's other shoulder, Kurogane squeezed it. "What happened kid? What's wrong?"

Syaoran's eyes tightened in pain as he stared up at his master. "Nothing that I can't handle. Don't worry about me."

The ninja studied him for a moment, before realising that it wasn't his place to interfere. "Very well, but just remember that if you need help, let me know."

"I thought you didn't want to get involved in the quest for Sakura's feathers." Syaoran said brusquely.

Kurogane shrugged, ignoring Syaoran's tone. "People change their minds and I don't need more trouble on my trip home." Drawing his sword, he shifted into a standard fighting position, "Well, whenever you're ready, let's get this training on the road."

Syaoran nodded sharply and tightened his grip on his sword. Taking a deep breath, he tried to block all thoughts from his mind as he focused on his opponent_._ Kurogane had taught him that other than the will to win and his opponent's next move, any other thoughts were unimportant.

Bending his knees slightly and shifting his sword in front of him, Syaoran launched his attack at Kurogane, his mind focused, or so he thought.

At the last moment, he stumbled as a voice in his head whispered –_what's the point? Why bother? The princess doesn't need you? _ _What's the point of fighting when you get nothing out of it? Someone else will get Sakura's love and affection. Your win won't make her happy. The person that she loves in Clow will._

As hopelessness overwhelmed him, he swung his sword blindly which Kurogane dodged easily. Momentum from the swing carried him forward and the next thing he knew was that beach sand tasted unpleasant. Kurogane had kicked his feet out from under him sending him sprawling into the sand. Moments later a small wave broke over his face, adding insult to injury.

"What the hell was that?" Kurogane asked angrily after Syaoran sat up and spat out sand. "You lost the will to fight in the middle of a fight. Have you forgotten everything I've taught you? Why bother training if you aren't going to try? You can't win if you decided that you've already lost. I'll make you a promise now; if you are going to fight like that again, you will end up dead. You need to get over what ever is bugging you now!"

In that moment, all the anger and despair that Syaoran had been trying to control, burst out of him like a river bursting its banks. "Maybe I would be happier dead!" He screamed, tearing his throat.

"Maybe Sakura will be happier too!" He sobbed as he broke down at Kurogane's feet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the dreadfully long delay. My excesses are only essays, three week pracs, mid year exams, and a massive research project which I've had 6 months to do and naturally I left it until the last month. Needless to say for about a month the idea of sitting in front of a computer screen and typing made me sick. Also I had a minor (read major) writer's block. But I have overcome these massive obstacles to bring you chapter 5 so please enjoy.

**Chapter Five**

Kurogane stared down at the boy kneeling in front of him. The boy's body was wracked with sobs, which threatened to tear him apart.

'_Damnit.'_ Kurogane thought as he watched the kid cry. '_What the hell am I supposed to do now?'_ The stoic ninja stared down at his apprentice and realised that as the kid's master, it was his duty to look out for his student, both in body and in spirit until he was capable of doing it himself. The kid was so serious all of the time, that Kurogane sometimes forgot that the boy was also a teenager, who was trying to make sense of life through a haze of hormones.

Unsure of what to do, Kurogane stepped closer to the boy and leaned his leg against him – silently offering him his support. When Syaoran sat up, he placed his hand on top of the kid's head and stared out over the ocean, silently sharing his pain and watching over him in his moment of weakness.

* * * * *

The walk away from Syaoran had been one of the hardest things that Sakura had ever had to do. With every step she had taken, the pain in her chest had grown. With each heart beat, a thousand knives slashed at her soul, which cried out for her to stop. However she bravely fought off her weakness – telling herself that this was for the best.

She barely managed to make it inside the house, before she shut the door and collapsed brokenly in the middle of the passage way.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." She whispered painfully as she drew herself into a ball, in a desperate attempt to hold herself together. Despite her actions, she still felt as though she was falling apart at the seams. "It wasn't supposed to hurt like this. It wasn't supposed to hurt Syaoran either."

Even as her body shook with gut wrenching sobs, Sakura couldn't help but wonder why it hurt so much. Logically she had thought that the emotions that she felt for Syaoran were still new and thus easily dealt with. However, judging by the pain that was coursing through her body, she had fallen for him far deeper and quicker then she could ever have imagined.

"What have I done?" she whispered achingly.

As she huddled against the door, feeling her heart shatter, the sound of footsteps reached her. She looked up in time to see Fai and Mokona heading towards her – the concern evident on their faces.

"Sakura, what's wrong?" Fai asked anxiously, as he knelt down in front of her. "What's happened?"

Mokona leapt off Fai's shoulder and into her arms, where it hugged her gently. "There there. It will be alright, Sakura."

"No it won't." Sakura choked out. "I've hurt Syaoran so much. I've ruined everything!"

Silently, Fai gently helped her to her feet and led her to the kitchen. There, he seated her at the table and proceeded to make her a cup of warm tea, laced with honey and a dash of liquor to ease the tension that radiated off her.

"Here. Have a drink." He said as he placed the cup in front of her. "It will calm you down and make you feel better. Then we can talk about what happened."

Obediently, Sakura took a sip of the beverage and immediately felt its soothing warmth spread through her. That, combined with the faint humming which was coming from Mokona, managed to turn her violent sobs into a steady trickle of tears which cascaded steadily down her cheeks.

When her tears eventually abated, Fai handed her a handkerchief and asked, "What happened, Sakura?"

Slowly and with many pauses to sip her tea, Sakura told Fai about her latest memory, her conclusions and the dreadful actions that had followed her decisions.

"And now it hurts so bad." She concluded. "I can't help but feel that I've done something terribly wrong, but without all my memories of my past, I can't seem to move on with the rest of my life." Slowly she raised her liquid green eyes to Fai's sorrowful blue one. "Have I done the right thing?" She whispered, the pain and confusion clear in her voice.

* * * * * *

It was sometime later that Syaoran's tears abated, and he had joined Kurogane in his silent vigil of the roaring ocean. It was only after he had wiped his tears away, that the usually stoic ninja at his side, spoke up. "Sometimes life hardly seems worth living but you shouldn't give up. Not when there is so much more to live for."

He looked down at the agonised pupil who was still staring resolutely at the crashing waves. "My offer still stands. If you want to talk, I'm here."

For a long moment, Syaoran remained silent, and Kurogane began to wonder whether the kid was ever going to open up to him. Eventually, Syaoran looked up and met his gaze.

"When I paid the witch's price, I had no idea just how much pain it would cause me." He looked away. "I love the princess and I thought that she might love me too."

Kurogane's gut tightened when Syaoran referred to Princess Sakura by her title and not her given name. Clearly the previous day's romantic success had been short lived.

"I know that she will never remember the relationship that we had, but a part of me always hoped that that wouldn't matter." His voice darkened with self-loathing. "And for one glorious day, I was foolish enough to believe that we could start afresh."

"And now…" Syaoran stumbled, over the words. "She says she can't love me because she thinks that she is in love with someone back at Clow. Someone that she never told me about before this mess happened." Bitterness seeped into his voice. "Clearly I wasn't as important to her as she was to me."

Kurogane stared at the broken hearted boy, his mind a whirl. He was a ninja, not a therapist. His solution to a problem had always been to kill it. And now, he was completely out of his element.

Syaoran shook his head, as if trying to banish his darker thoughts. "I know I'm supposed to be happy for her." He paused mulling over his own words. "And a very small part of me is, I guess. But it still hurts to know that the one I love will never return these feelings for me. The thought of watching her love someone else makes me livid but most of all it just hurts, Kurogane." He sighed hopelessly as he rested his head on his knees. "I don't know what to do."

Carefully not looking at Syaoran, Kurogane finally spoke. "There is a story in my country which tells of a similar situation to the one that you are going through now. I'm not sure if it will help, but it might, so pay attention because I'm only going to tell it once."

Kurogane cleared his throat. "There was once a… man who fell in love with a woman. She was everything that he was not. She was delicate, while he was brutish. She was sensitive to the people around her, while he just couldn't give a damn. She was his reason for living and yet he would gladly give his life for her if it meant that she would be happy. Unfortunately, his love was the one thing that could not make her happy. As much as he longed to shout his love of her to the world, he could not. Not only were there class differences between them, but their roles in society outlawed a union such as theirs. He knew that his love for her, was the one thing that he could never tell her. It would cause too much pain on both sides if he told her of his love. All he could do was protect her from the shadows. "

"He loved her with all his soul, but he loved her from afar. He was never to let her know the depth of his true feelings."

Kurogane knelt down in front of Syaoran and placed his hands on his shoulders, forcing Syaoran to look at him.

"I told you this before, "he began, the compassion clear in his voice, "If you are a man with a job to do, you always have to look ahead. Don't regret things that you cannot change. There are some things that no amount of will power can overcome. All I can tell you is that you must be her lover from afar. Be there to protect her from the shadows. It will be up to you to pick up the pieces, especially as we travel. Be her silent pillar of support."

"It will be up to you to protect her so she can get back to the person she loves. Take happiness in her happiness. Wish her all the best with her love, but do yourself a favour kid, never let her see it, otherwise it will make things unbearable for both of you." Kurogane paused as he watched the reality of the situation sink in and harden the glint in Syaoran's brown eyes.

Kurogane grunted and continued. "I know that this sounds harsh and I wish I could tell you that things will get better but some things are just meant to be, regardless of how much you and I wish it weren't."

Syaoran mulled over Kurogane's painful words. He had sworn to protect Sakura and return her memories to her. He longed to remove himself from his situation where he would not have to feel the agony in his heart. But short of dying or falling into unconsciousness for the rest of his life, this would not happen.

Even separating himself from the princess would not work. Not only would he be breaking his oath to get back her soul, his very being rebelled against the idea. He just couldn't stand the pain of not being near her. He longed to escape the pain of rejection, but he knew the pain of breaking an oath would rip him to shreds as a man.

He had sworn to return the Princess's memories to her and that was what he intended to do, regardless of how much pain he would suffer, be it physical or emotional. He was honour bound to fulfill his promises to her

Syaoran nodded, his throat constricting. Kurogane was right. "Thank you. I'll try keep all that in mind."

* * * * *

Fai sighed slightly, wondering how exactly he was to consol someone who had just had her heart broken and was unaware of it. He knew that he couldn't fill in her 'blanks' or gaps in her memories, which would help her understand her situation. He had been there when she had remembered her relationship with Syaoran and had seen her collapse when the memories had been removed. Fai knew that he couldn't truly tell her what she was feeling and why.

However, he was determined to guide her thoughts in the right direction and hopefully, reunite Syaoran-kun and Sakura-chan.

In attempt to gather a few more moments to think about what he wanted to say, Fai stood up. "I think we need another cup of tea." He said gently, as he gathered her cup from her and began preparing another batch of soothing tea.

Glancing over his shoulder, as he waited for the water to heat up again, he watched Sakura forlornly stroke Mokona. He wondered briefly if Mokona's humming was the creature's attempt at a reassuring purr or one of his secret techniques before turning back to the dilemma at hand.

Fai knew that Sakura and Syaoran had paid a heavy price to get back her memories, and it was times like this that he felt that they had paid far too harsh a price.

From what he could gather, Sakura had received an incomplete memory the night before. What was significant about the gaps in the memory, was the fact, that as far as the witch's price went – the gaps could only be possible if the memory had included Syaoran. If it had been a memory of anyone else it would have come back in one piece.

And since he was a magician of impressive caliber, Fai had deduced that the person Sakura had wanted to confess her love to, had to have been Syaoran.

For a moment he smiled, before he winced at the irony of the situation. Sakura believed that she was in love with two different people, when in fact they were one in the same. The fact that she had fallen in love with him again, clearly demonstrated that the two were meant for one another.

However, the witch's price appeared to not only have removed their past relationship, but it now seemed as though their current relationship had been placed on the table as an additional payment.

Resolutely, Fai decided that, while he may not be capable of restoring the relationship they had shared in Clow, he was not about to watch Sakura destroy her chance at love now.

When the tea had been brewed and he had added liberal doses of liquor, Fai handed a cup to Sakura and sat down in front of her.

"Sakura-chan," Fai began gently. "I know that you think that you have done the right thing but I wonder if you really thought about your entire situation."

"Oh Fai, please don't say that I've made a mistake." Sakura exclaimed as she clutched her teacup tightly. "I thought about what my dream meant. What it would do to poor Syaoran and what would happen to him if I let our relationship develop. And I don't know what would happen to the other person when I return to Clow. Since I'm not with the other person I couldn't judge that relationship so…" She faltered.

"So you decided that you would cut off the relationship that you have now." Fai stated emotionlessly. "Did you even consider your situation at all?"

Sakura fidgeted under his accusation. "I didn't want to hurt him. I thought that if I ended it now, it would be less painful for him, then after months or years of traveling and a confrontation at home."

"What if there is no confrontation waiting for you at home, Sakura-chan?" Fai asked. "What if the person that you loved didn't return your feelings?" Briefly Fai wondered why he said those words – even though he had already decided that the person in the memories was Syaoran. '_I'm trying to protect her from remembering something that she will forget as soon as she remembers it.' _Nodding mentally to himself, he continued. "What if that person isn't there anymore? You risked your relationship with Syaoran based on a 'what if'."

Sakura released her hold on the tea cup and clutched the folds of her skirt as the depth of her actions truly hit her. She finally realised that she hadn't really thought things through.

Fai reached over and squeezed Sakura's hand. She raised her head, and Fai winced at the tears that were sparkling in her eyes. He hated saying such harsh things, but he knew that he had to force her to really look at her situation. "I'm sorry for being so mean but I think you need to look at what you have now – not what you don't have. You need to look at who is standing next to you, who has been with you every step of this journey."

"Don't worry about the past, Sakura-chan. It's not important. Please don't let your future be destroyed based on 'what ifs'. You need to live for today. You can't deny that there is something amazing between you and Syaoran. Don't ask if it is right or wrong. Let it bloom and grow. You never know, but this relationship between you and Syaoran might just overshadow the one you dreamt of."

Almost pleadingly, Fai added. "Don't make decisions based on memories that you are unsure of or ones that are incomplete. Use the memories that you have made since starting this journey, because this journey is the sort of thing that shapes your future – much more than your past ever could have."

Sakura nodded. "Thank you Fai." Standing up and cradling Mokona under one arm, she picked up her tea and drained it. "Will you please excuse me?" She asked. "You've given me a lot to think about. I would like to be alone for a little while. Do you mind if I stay here, rather than go out with you?"

Fai shook his head and smiled slightly. "You do just that. I'll survive the market." He stood up and led her to the kitchen door. "I'll tidy up here. You go and think."

"Mokona wants to say with Sakura." The little white creature said. "Mokona will keep Sakura company 'cause Mokona thinks that she needs something to hold to make her feel better." Mokona gazed up at her solemnly. "You can hold Mokona as tight as you want. Mokona will make you feel better."

"Thank you Mokona." Sakura said, hugging the white manju tighter. She paused and stared at Fai a moment, before bowing and whispering "Thank you Fai," before disappearing down the passage under Fai's thoughtful gaze.

Fai smiled, pleased that she appeared to have forgiven him for being so mean to her. "Not at all Sakura-chan. You do all the thinking you need to get this all sorted out."

* * * * *

Kurogane cleared his throat gruffly. "Well now that's sorted we need to get back to training. You've got a princess to protect and to do that you need to finish you training."

Standing up slowly, Syaoran grasped his sword and once more turned to face his master in combat. Bowling slightly, the lesson commenced.

The two lonely souls, then spent the next hour training rather extensively and it wasn't long before Syaoran had managed to drown out most of his pain with grim determination.

Sheathing his sword and bowing to Kurogane, Syaoran turned and stared out at the crashing waves. "Do you mind if I stay out her for a little while?" Syaoran asked. "I want to make sure that I am capable of facing the princess properly." His voice broke slightly. "I don't want to hurt her because I can't keep my emotions under control."

Kurogane nodded and turned to the stairs which would lead him back to the street. "I'll keep an eye on the princess for you." He called over his shoulder.

"Thank you, Kurogane." Syaoran said, bowing to the retreating figure.

Once Kurogane had disappeared, Syaoran made his way to an outcropping of rocks, which were just above the spray from the waves. It was an ideal place for him to sit and meditate until he could keep his emotions in check.

An hour later, Syaoran opened his eyes, feeling far more in control of his aching heart. While the pain in his heart lingered, the majority of it had been replaced with a grim determination to follow with his promises that he had made to the princess.

Leaping off the rocks that he had been sitting on, he made his way along the beach, passing the occasional group of beach goers, who he smiled politely to, just to see if he could manage a smile. Many of them smiled in return, so he knew that he was successfully masking his true feelings. Perhaps hiding his feelings wouldn't as hard as he had originally thought.

As he walked resolutely back to the rented house they were staying in, Syaoran once again vowed that he would protect the princess – regardless of her feelings towards him.

**Author's Note:** Once again, I really sorry about taking so long for this update. As a way of apology I have made this chapter really long and hopefully up to your standards. I hope that you enjoyed it and feel inspired to leave a review.


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